I am the world's worst budgeter. Despite being great at saving money (coupons, freebies, etc..) I can't ever seem to save money (as in: I DON'T HAVE ANY!)

With school starting next week, my kids have been pressuring me for the stuff they want to start the year off with, and I have been under pressure ( ♪nuhnahnuhnahnuhnahnuhnah, pressure♪ by Billy Joel) to figure out how to move stuff around (as in what bill can wait for me to pay it) in order to get them a few more things. I finally figured out what to do, and I checked my on-line bank statement, and WHAT?! Where's my money?! It's gone! and this time, I didn't spend it!

My pulse is racing, my chest is heavy, OMG! Who stole my money? How'd they do it?! Do I have my card? What is that check?! I don't have any outstanding checks! Someone stole my check! Can this computer load the image any faster? Come-on, this is important! I'm in Dire Straits! (the situation, not the band, although ♪I want my MTV!♪)

Finally it loads,'s my signature, ugh! How did I forget about a check this big?! Oh no! Hubby is not going to be happy! what do I do? how do I explain this away?! hmmm... I was held captive by little people with big guns that forced me to sing ♪Tip Toe through the Tulips♪ (wretched little song by Tiny Tim) until I finally signed over a check?! No! that won't work!

I know! It was Crazed Clowns! 10 of them jumped out of a little green car with flower headlights, and danced around me honking their rubber horns, until I was so disoriented, I forgot about the check! Yeah, that'll work! He's sure to believe that, given his intense fear of clowns. That's something clowns would do. Sure!

Wait a minute! I know this check! It's the one my oral surgeon was supposed to give back to me when they took my other payment, back when I was under the influence. (see One Little White Pill) This is not my fault! For Real this time! Woohoo!

Really?! Why is it so difficult to get my money back?! More hold music?! Ugh! "Why do they play this?!" I think as I sing along ♪top of the world, looking down on creation.♪ Okay, so I guess it's a little soothing, and The Carpenters aren't too bad, but I might just fall asleep waiting, which is probably their goal (the doctor's office, not The Carpenters, I don't think they wanted me to fall asleep.)

"Do I want to leave another voice mail?" "No, I don't want to leave another voice mail." "I just want my money back." "This is an attempt to collect a debt." (I don't know, just figured, I'd give it a try) "Okay, sure, I'll hold." ♪All I need is a miracle, All I need is you.♪ (Mike & the Mechanics)

I wonder if they'll reimburse me for my time? Maybe, I can get something for free. If I can get something for free, this will be totally worth it. Hmmm, let me think... ♪Money, it's a gas♪ (Pink Floyd)