Ambidexterity, It could Save Your Life, or At Least Your Sex Life

Warning: This cautionary tale contains TMI. Seriously, you may not even want to read it.

How do you wipe? Obviously you wipe yourself, most of us do. But, do you always use the same hand to wipe with? Yes, I'm talking about wiping your butt! I know, deep conversation for a Monday morning, but this is important stuff!

You see, I have degenerative disc disease in my back. It simply means that my discs are wearing out, it happens from aging, but mine is just happening a little earlier in life, (I'm 36.) Most days I hardly notice it. I might be a little slow to get up, and I get some pain, muscle spasms,  and headaches, but it's bearable.

When I have a flare up, though...forget it! I'm like an 80 year old trying to shuffle around looking like a hobbit. It's ridiculous!

Sunday, I had a flare up, of sorts. I don't know what I did, but this was way different than normal!

I had muscle spasms from hell, and one muscle on my left side totally wreaked havoc on me. This is where the toilet issue comes in... I had to poop. Sorry, ladies, but you know we all do it, and while yours may smell like roses, mine certainly does not! Okay, moving on..

So, I do my business in the bathroom, and prepare to wipe, because you know, that's just how I roll. Then it happens. I'm trying to wipe, and I can't! That muscle spasm in my back is so tight, that I can't freakin' reach! Just yesterday this wasn't a problem! I'm stretching and leaning and stretching...and I'm about to topple off the toilet in my effort to do so! (Thank goodness for close walls in this small space or I'd be writing the tale of how to break your neck while going number 2!)

WTF?! What do I do now? There is no way in hell, I'm asking hubby to do this for me. I am, remember, only 36, so I still want to have some semblance of a sex life! And something tells me asking hubby to wipe my stinky butt, would not be the hottest move in the sex book! I don't care what the Kama Sutra says, I'm not doing it! So, I have to figure this out!

Then I realize, I have another hand! Oh yeah, that's why we have 2 of them, for times like these. But, Mr Lefty has never been asked to do such a task. And, let me say it is a little more than awkward. It was down right hard! And, yes, I'm going to admit it, I got poop on my finger! (don't worry, I washed my hands before typing this, so you're clean.) What mom hasn't had poop on her at some point?! But this...this was different! This, was my own, and that is wrong in so many ways! Thank goodness for wet wipes!

Don't make the same mistake I did, heed my warning, and start practicing now: USE BOTH HANDS WHEN YOU WIPE! It may just save your life (or at least your dignity.)

♪I've been taking care of business, it's all mine♪ (BTO)


  1. OMG!!!!!!!!!!! I was laughing my ass off at my desk reading your blog today. Thanks I needed a good laugh this morning. I know it's not funny, but it is true. You need to be able to use both hands, you never know. What if you broke your right arm then what???? You won't be able to wipe your butt....... I'm listening to you and will be use both to wipe my butt..... =o)

  2. OMG lmafao!!! sorry you had to go thru that but at least you got a funny story out of it

  3. LOL...I have never thought about it, but I'm sure I'm always a righty. Can't imagine doing anything with my left hand because it for some reason is very uncoordinated with the rest of my body.

  4. OH yeah I learned a long time ago after having surgery that I needed both hands able to do that job just in case. Cause due to staples leaning the usual way simply was not an option.

  5. LOL! This is hilarious! Worth a read that is, so don't get offended ok. The advice is so simple but not to be disregarded! love your blog.

    just visiting from Redhead riter's saturday stalker...she's right, your blog is worth stalking! ;)

    come visit mine too
    life round meNyou

  6. I literally just laughed out loud...HAHHAHAHA

  7. It's funny.but I feel sorry for her at the same time!!!
    Amazing blog,a recent follower.

  8. stopping by from STT to stumble your post - so sorry that you're having to deal with this, but glad to see that you can find the humor in it - great writing!


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