Warning: This cautionary tale contains TMI. Seriously, you may not even want to read it.
How do you wipe? Obviously you wipe yourself, most of us do. But, do you always use the same hand to wipe with? Yes, I'm talking about wiping your butt! I know, deep conversation for a Monday morning, but this is important stuff!
You see, I have degenerative disc disease in my back. It simply means that my discs are wearing out, it happens from aging, but mine is just happening a little earlier in life, (I'm 36.) Most days I hardly notice it. I might be a little slow to get up, and I get some pain, muscle spasms, and headaches, but it's bearable.
When I have a flare up, though...forget it! I'm like an 80 year old trying to shuffle around looking like a hobbit. It's ridiculous!
Sunday, I had a flare up, of sorts. I don't know what I did, but this was way different than normal!
I had muscle spasms from hell, and one muscle on my left side totally wreaked havoc on me. This is where the toilet issue comes in... I had to poop. Sorry, ladies, but you know we all do it, and while yours may smell like roses, mine certainly does not! Okay, moving on..
So, I do my business in the bathroom, and prepare to wipe, because you know, that's just how I roll. Then it happens. I'm trying to wipe, and I can't! That muscle spasm in my back is so tight, that I can't freakin' reach! Just yesterday this wasn't a problem! I'm stretching and leaning and stretching...and I'm about to topple off the toilet in my effort to do so! (Thank goodness for close walls in this small space or I'd be writing the tale of how to break your neck while going number 2!)
WTF?! What do I do now? There is no way in hell, I'm asking hubby to do this for me. I am, remember, only 36, so I still want to have some semblance of a sex life! And something tells me asking hubby to wipe my stinky butt, would not be the hottest move in the sex book! I don't care what the Kama Sutra says, I'm not doing it! So, I have to figure this out!
Then I realize, I have another hand! Oh yeah, that's why we have 2 of them, for times like these. But, Mr Lefty has never been asked to do such a task. And, let me say it is a little more than awkward. It was down right hard! And, yes, I'm going to admit it, I got poop on my finger! (don't worry, I washed my hands before typing this, so you're clean.) What mom hasn't had poop on her at some point?! But this...this was different! This, was my own, and that is wrong in so many ways! Thank goodness for wet wipes!
Don't make the same mistake I did, heed my warning, and start practicing now: USE BOTH HANDS WHEN YOU WIPE! It may just save your life (or at least your dignity.)
♪I've been taking care of business, it's all mine♪ (BTO)