Not This year, Santa!

Every year, our house gets a visit from the man in the Red suit. You know the one, the guy from up north?! No, not Canada! Further North! The crazy guy that laughs a lot and plays with elves, and drives a shiny new sled. Come to think of it; he must be on a lease plan, because it always looks brand new, although you'd think by now he would have upgraded to a motorized model, and given those poor deer a break! Does PETA know about this?!
So every year, he comes to our house, eats my cookies, (which he just assumes to be for him just because their laying out. Who does that?! Who goes to some one's house and just eats whatever they have laying around?!) takes the carrots, and leaves behind presents, that are always way better than the presents we got for the kids! Just once, I'd like to get the big, happy, screaming of "Thank you, thank you thank you, oh my gosh, it's what I always wanted!" for the gifts I bought and wrapped. Even, when I think I've done so good, he always outdoes me!
And what about this List he supposedly has?! The Naughty or Nice list the one he checks twice? Where is this Naughty list?! My kids have done some pretty naughty things over the years, but he still shows up! Without Fail, I'm awakened way, too, before the butt crack of dawn, early, to cries of "Santa came, he came, & look what he got me!"
I think "great! and I'm sure it's fabulous!" and pretend to be excited over every little thing. But the truth? I'm jealous!
I admit it! I'm jealous of that man! He's so damn jolly all the time! Well, why shouldn't he be?! He lives in a palace! Has elves to do all the work for him! He goes around eating everyone else's food! And even with his celebrity status, manages to avoid the paparazzi, and just live his perfect life of luxury! And every one thinks he's sooooo perfect!
Shouldn't he be arrested for breaking and entering? Didn't he run over some Gramma a few years back?! That has to be a crime! How does he afford all those toys?! Is he embezzling?! What's all that white stuff around his house?! Uh huh, a little snow up the nose for energy?! Uh huh. I bet he's a sham! Alert the National Enquirer! They love stories of celebrities done wrong. They'll figure it out.
I've had enough! This year, I won't be outdone! This year, I'm taking the kids to Disney World! Even jolly Old St. Nicklaus can't top a talking mouse with flying elephants, and toys that come to life! Nope, you're not outdoing me this year, big guy! This year's mine!
♪I've warned all my friends and neighbors. Better watch out for yourselves! They should never give a license to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.♪


  1. That is so nicely written. You made a truly original Santa Claus story, and Disney World was the perfect choice. The children will know it's their experience of a lifetime.
    The cookies? Let Santa eat them, he can get fat, not us!


  2. This cracked me up! Beautfully written. Santa sure is a pain, eh?

  3. Following from Tuesdays Gone with Amethyst Moon


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